Learn How to Fish

That was the simple request my eight year old twins, Alys and Sam, hit me with this Winter. Teach us how to fish. Just like when they saw the Phantom Menace a couple of years ago and they said, "Teach us how to be Jedi Knights Dad," or the time they saw a magic show and couldn't wait to get home to saw Mum in half.

Alys and Sam were deadly serious about learning how to fish and this seed of an idea had been planted in their young minds after they'd seen a TV programme. This TV show, seemingly like most shows of its kind which get an airing in Britain, gave the distinct impression that all anyone has to do is to dip their rod in some water and in no more than 45 seconds an enormous fish will leap on to their hook, probably to the accompaniment of some stunning background music in the midst of superb unspoilt countryside, and quite probably in ‘arty' slow motion to boot.

I tried to tell my kids those TV shows are fake; I told them, they edit out all the hours of waiting around when nothing is happening, they edit out all the tangles of line, all the mistakes, all the having to ‘do a widdle ' around the back of a bush, hoping no one can see you. Alys and Sam would not be dissuaded however, they fully expected me to buy them some fishing gear, and just like the TV show, I was to take them to some water for half an hour and then help them carry their enormous catch to the riverbank where they could pose for a photograph or two.

Teaching my kids how to be Jedi Knights was easy. I gave them a garden cane each as their Light Saber and, in as mystical a voice as I could summon, put an index finger lightly on their foreheads and muttered, " always and forever, feel the force..." Teaching them how to fish would be much more difficult, mainly because I have absolutely no idea how it's done.

There, I've said it. I've confessed. I have absolutely no idea how to catch even the smallest, most stupid, most gullible fish that ever lived. Haven't a clue .

My late father, bless him, was once in the same position I now find myself; one of his kids once said to him, "Teach me how to fish, Dad." I know this definitely happened, because I was that kid. I asked him approximately thirty four years ago, when I was eleven years old.

My Dad was much wiser than I am. Whereas I am rapidly trying to pick up the rudiments of this great sport so that I can pass them on to my children, my Dad merely spent no more than four seconds considering my request before he retorted, "Sorry lad, I've no idea, it's no good asking me".

Not to be outdone, I avidly read library books all about fishing, saved up my pocket money to buy the necessary permit, and spent about eight months concentrating on a float that didn't bob once. I was obviously doing something wrong and despite all the information in the books, I couldn't work out what that was; and being a shy eleven year old, I couldn't bring myself to ask the adults who were fishing on the lakeside for help.

After eight months without even so much as one bite, I gave up on fishing. If memory serves, I swapped my fishing gear for a Gary Glitter album and a kiss from Carol Carter; looking back on those days now, remembering the album and the kiss, I honestly don't know which was the most horrific.

I was determined my kids would get the support I never had; also, thinking back to my own experiences, it seems obvious that kids need to actually catch a fish quite soon if their enthusiasm for angling is to remain. All of this means I have to learn how to get a bite, and quick!

In desperation I registered as a member of one of the UK 's biggest (and certainly friendliest) fishing forums on the internet. I described my own particular problem, asked for advice, and sat back. The help duly arrived... by way of an avalanche!

Both on the forum and by way of private e mail, I was advised to fish a river first of all, then someone told me to avoid rivers at this stage. Someone told me to fish a canal first off, and someone told me to avoid canals at all costs. Someone told me to fish lakes, and someone told me lakes can be complicated if you don't have experience. Someone told me to postpone fishing until summer arrives, as it's much more fun then. Someone else told me to go fishing now whilst the kids still have enthusiasm, and not wait for the warmer weather. Someone told me to avoid professional fishing coaches as they can be expensive, and three professional fishing coaches e mailed me offering their services.

Don't miss Episode Two, in which the kids and I go to some water and try to get our bait wet...

Col Robinson