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dayvid

Somethig to make you laugh

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Went to Thailand for my holidays and got so close to being seduced by a ladyboy. Walked like a lady, talked like a lady and kissed like a lady..... It was only when she drove me back to her place and

reversed the car into the garage first time I thought to myself "Hang on a minute...."

 

When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to God you're nowhere near a dildo factory!

 

When I was getting my prostate examination I asked the doctor "Where should I put my trousers." "Over there, next to mine." was not the answer I was expecting.

 

Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter rubbish. I gave up my mates, my motorbike, drinking, drugs... She gave up sex.

.

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the battery out of the smoke detector!

 

Did you hear about the Irish acid bath murderer? He burnt his arm off pulling the plug out.

 

My sex change operation from male to female went really well It was so successful, I'm still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park!

 

I fell asleep in the chair yesterday, when i woke up some had put a teabag in my mouth.I'm not happy. ..................I hate being taken for a mug!

 

Woman to doctor: ‘Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.’ Doctor: ‘And what are you taking for it?’ Woman: ‘Pepper.’

 

If there was a competition for saggy breasts, my wife would beat everyone. In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.

 

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I was so addicted to sex I decided the only way to cure myself was to go cold turkey, now I've been banned from Iceland!

 

I saw a car with a window sticker saying "I'm a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal." Suddenly realised how many gynaecologists there are on the roads

.

Dear Santa.. Last year you got me a Sweater for Christmas. * This year I would prefer a Moaner or a Screamer.

 

I went to visit my wife in hospital after she got run over by a car. She said she felt tyred and exhausted.

 

I just lost my job at the hospital, I was accused of sexual assault. In my defence, they had put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.

 

Not surprised to find out I've lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing's been on the wall for a while now.

 

I phoned 999. "What's your emergency?" she asked, I said "2 girls are fighting over me" "OK" she paused. "what's the problem?" "The fat one's winning"

 

Why does the Avon lady walk funny? Her lipstick.

 

My wife looks exactly like a Bond girl. It's just a shame its Judi Dench

.

Beachy Head is such a notorious suicide spot , that it's a wonder the Samaritans don't open up a drop-in centre.

 

Please pray for my mother-in-law. She was taken to hospital this morning. A bee landed on her face. Luckily she wasnt stung, I was too quick with the spade.

 

"It's a boy!" I shouted tears rolling down my face "I don't believe it. A boy!" Its at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

 

I did a charity fun run yesterday for the Premature Ejaculation Society.. I'm pleased to announce that I came first.

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Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf.

 

"Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?"

 

"Go away! I'm crapping!"

 

 

Sent from my SM-G928F using Tapatalk

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In the pub tonight and got involved in the quiz , the last question for us to win it was , name two things commonly found in cells .
Apparently It weren't scoucers and pikeys .
We came second

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters SNIPE into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today. The rest of us are posting and reading jokes on carp.com

Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is.
He said I'll give you a clue , it's what your mother calls me .
The little boy shouts out , it's a ****ing **** , don't eat it

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest," especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

 

 

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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those [censored] enlargers ....... so I did.... She's 21 and her name's Lucy

My Budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to. 

My mate asked what a dilemma was?
So i said,"imagine you're naked and in a big bed.
A beautiful woman on one side and a *** man on the other.
"Who you gonna turn your back on?"

 
 
 
 

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52 minutes ago, ianain said:

At least you had a good laugh :lol:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hard luck cyb.

just fired off an email to a local club that has a couple of nice big ressers on their ticket, hoping they do a short term ticket as we are already 6 months into their season :lol: heres one :wink:

 

Untitled.jpg

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On 1/1/2017 at 21:58, dayvid said:

I was so addicted to sex I decided the only way to cure myself was to go cold turkey, now I've been banned from Iceland!

I saw a car with a window sticker saying "I'm a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal." Suddenly realised how many gynaecologists there are on the roads

Dear Santa.. Last year you got me a Sweater for Christmas. * This year I would prefer a Moaner or a Screamer.

I went to visit my wife in hospital after she got run over by a car. She said she felt tyred and exhausted.

I just lost my job at the hospital, I was accused of sexual assault. In my defence, they had put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.

Not surprised to find out I've lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing's been on the wall for a while now.

I phoned 999. "What's your emergency?" she asked, I said "2 girls are fighting over me" "OK" she paused. "what's the problem?" "The fat one's winning"

Why does the Avon lady walk funny? Her lipstick.

My wife looks exactly like a Bond girl. It's just a shame its Judi Dench

Beachy Head is such a notorious suicide spot , that it's a wonder the Samaritans don't open up a drop-in centre.

Please pray for my mother-in-law. She was taken to hospital this morning. A bee landed on her face. Luckily she wasnt stung, I was too quick with the spade.

"It's a boy!" I shouted tears rolling down my face "I don't believe it. A boy!" Its at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

I did a charity fun run yesterday for the Premature Ejaculation Society.. I'm pleased to announce that I came first.

5

Hahaha! These cracked me up! :)

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On 01/01/2017 at 13:56, dayvid said:

Went to Thailand for my holidays and got so close to being seduced by a ladyboy. Walked like a lady, talked like a lady and kissed like a lady..... It was only when she drove me back to her place and

reversed the car into the garage first time I thought to myself "Hang on a minute...."

 

 

That was funny , still chuckling :D

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Bent cowboy rode into town and shot up the sheriff.

I've bought quarter shares in a race horse. It's call "My Face"

It's not won anything yet but it's great to stand there and hear all the women shouting "Come on my face, come on my face"....

 

I'll get my coat.

 

Edited by smufter

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